


there's a war inside of me

by CapnWinghead



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe, Jealous Bucky Barnes, M/M, Multiverse, Pining, Rule 63, Self-Doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-08-05
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:00:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25721731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CapnWinghead/pseuds/CapnWinghead
Summary: When a portal drops another version of Bucky Barnes into their universe, Sam's adamant about helping her. Bucky's a lot less welcoming.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Sam Wilson
Comments: 31
Kudos: 109





	there's a war inside of me

**Author's Note:**

> Fill for Day 4 of AU August. Prompt: Rule 63. 
> 
> Title from Tegan and Sara's "You Wouldn't Like Me" because the lyrics fit pretty damn well.
> 
> Side note: I imagined Alexandra Daddario as Rule 63 Bucky.
> 
> I hope you enjoy it!

Bucky Barnes didn’t care much for psychoanalysis.

He’d never had much use for it in the past and it sure as hell wasn’t something in which he’d voluntarily get involved. Of course, he appreciated what Sam did for veterans in his support group and he was grateful for Sam’s sake that therapy had given him some sort of peace when he’d left the Air Force. However, Bucky had never been inclined to dig around in his own head. The idea of sitting down across from some stranger and vomiting out all of his hopes and fears and what the fuck else just wasn’t something Bucky would ever want to do.

That being said, he could acknowledge at least subconsciously that his current feelings might’ve reflected the fact that he didn’t have the highest opinion of himself. Perhaps because he was standing directly in front of himself – and he hated what he saw.

Granted, he was staring at another version of himself.

Jamie Buchanan Barnes was earth 310’s model. A chase after a portal hopping fugitive had led her to Bucky’s world. Felicia Hardy, renowned thief, had stolen a piece of tech that held the key to being able to build more portals between worlds. Sam, overly trusting sap that he was, decided they had to help her.

“Come on,” Sam said, nudging Bucky’s shoulder during the debriefing. “She’s you.”

“She is not me,” Bucky grumbled, leaning back in his chair. “For all we know, this is all a hoax. She could be Hydra sent here to steal from us.”

“Why bother with the elaborate backstory?”

“Because clearly you all have learned nothing about trusting new people. Remember Beck?”

“That wasn’t us,” Sam said, shifting in his chair. Quentin Beck was a sore spot for the newly rebuilt SHIELD. At Bucky’s pointed glare, Sam added, “It wasn’t me, I mean. Besides, you know yourself. You really don’t see the resemblance? I think she’s a lot like you.”

Bucky frowned at him silently. “She sounds like you, acts a lot like you and she even dresses like you.”

He gestured to the front of the room where Jamie sat at the table, a black combat boot propped up on the table, her black leather jacket draped across her chair. Long dark hair fell to the middle of her back, light waves that reminded Bucky of – he cut that thought off abruptly. In looking closer, he found that they were even sitting the same way. Cursing, Bucky pulled his foot down. Sam grinned.

“Shut up,” Bucky muttered.

“You only say that when I’m right.” Sam placed his chin in hand, focusing on the presentation once more. “She hasn’t lied to us yet.”

“That we know of.” The meeting ended and Bucky stood up, grabbing his jacket. “This is a bad idea and you know it.”

He’d started to leave when Fury called out, “Wilson, a word.” Bucky hung back by the door, watching as Sam jogged over eagerly. “Barnes has specifically requested to work with you on this case. She knows of a club where Ms. Hardy is likely to hang out. There’s one of them in our world, too. It’s more of a couple spot so, you’ll have to go undercover.”

Bucky rolled his eyes, leaning against the door jamb. He prayed Sam would make the right choice and give the job to someone else. Let Agent Wesley go, he’d been hiding a hard on since Jamie arrived.

“Name the time and place,” Sam said gamely.

Annoyed, Bucky headed over as Jamie touched Sam’s arm. Blue eyes striking and victorious, a grin on her face. “Great. I knew you’d be up for it.”

Her tone set Bucky on edge, his jaw tense as he came to stand in beside them. Sam cocked his head to the side with an easy smile. “You have a me?”

“Not exactly. He’s not mine yet.” Her eyes landed on Bucky, thoughtful. “I assume you’re coming with?”

“You think I’m leaving Sam alone with you?”

Her eyes cut to Sam amusedly, “He’s coming along.” She grabbed her jacket, heading for the door. “Fine with me. Let’s get something cute for you boys to wear tomorrow night.”

Bucky tugged at the form fitting black t-shirt, wincing at his reflection in the mirror. It looked painted on, hugging every inch of his chest uncomfortably. It also looked like a t-shirt he could’ve bought in a five pack at Target. He’d like to talk to the asshole that had the balls to charge fifty bucks for this.

“Stop cursing,” Sam chided, poking his head inside the room. Bucky stepped back as Sam entered.

He looked Bucky over with a grin, “Lookin’ good.”

Warming, Bucky forced his eyes to the mirror. “I look like a DJ.” White jeans? Jamie picked something he’d hate on purpose. He returned to Sam, a nervous flutter in his stomach at the way Sam was looking at him. “You need the room?”

Sam nodded, moving around him and draping his clothes over the small chair. He reached for the hem of his shirt, pulling it over head. Bucky’s eyes fell over smooth, dark brown skin and a toned stomach he’d had dreams about before he politely excused himself. Jamie looked up from her spot on the couch, a knowing look in her eye as he came to sit beside her.

They sat in silence for a moment.

Then, “Sam’s totally going to kick my ass for leaving him behind.” Bucky looked to her. “He’s my partner in crime. Would’ve come with me, but he took a hit on our last run.”

Her gaze fell to her boots, crossed at the ankles. She was smaller than Bucky in stature, but taller than the average woman. She moved and held herself like a soldier. Bucky had questions, all the little ways their paths had diverged, but he’d be damned if he asked them.

“He wanted me to take pictures,” she added, the corner of her mouth quirking. Bucky’s eyes fell to her gloved hands. She followed his gaze, tugging off her left glove revealing chrome fingers, waving them as the light caught their shine. “Not so different, you and I.”

“How?”

“He speaks,” she said with a smile. “Chased Zemo onto a plane. It blew in the air and I woke up with this thing. I can’t complain. It’s gotten me out of a jam or two.”

“Hydra made it?”

She nodded. “They fuck with your head, too?”

He nodded and they lapsed into a silence. Finally, he said what he’d choked down for the past few hours. “I don’t trust you. I’d be fine if it was just me working with you, but it’s not. Sam’s here, too and I don’t take chances with Sam.” _I can’t._

Jamie’s eyes hardened, her voice firm. “Noted.” Bucky nodded, focusing on the dressing room door. “But you know, you don’t have to worry about me.”

He paid the words no mind. He hardly trusted himself with Sam; how could he trust her?

Sam left the dressing room. “Hey, J, I don’t think you got the right size.”

Tugging at a draping black tank top, the neckline revealing quite a bit of his chest. Bucky’s mouth ran dry, his eyes eating up every bit of bare skin. Sam’s biceps tensed as he moved, tugging at the loose fabric curiously. It would be so easy for Bucky to pull the straps aside and wrap his lips around a brown nipple. Give it a hard suck while he pulled Sam out of those tight jeans. Bucky leaned back on the couch, his hands tightening in his jeans. 

When he finally tuned back in, Jamie was standing in front of Sam, tugging the hem of the shirt down.

“It’s perfect. This is what the kids are wearing, grandpa,” she teased with a wink.

Sam rolled his eyes, but it appeared fond. “How old are you again?”

“You never ask a lady her age.” Her eyes darkened, tracing over Sam’s body. Her lip caught between her teeth as she eyes him with interest and Bucky didn’t like that look at all.

“Can we go already?” he asked.

Sam looked at him before catching sight of his watch. “I gotta get some food in him. He gets cranky when he’s hungry.” He looked to her and Bucky cursed what was bound to come next. “You hungry?”

“I could eat,” she said with a grin.

Most nights, Bucky was more than happy to bring take out home.

It meant less time trying to make polite conversation with wait staff. It meant not having to ask for the table in the back so he wouldn’t have his back to anyone and he was guaranteed to see the exit. It meant more time alone with Sam.

However, tonight, he would’ve been more than happy to put on a brave face, accept the booth in the middle of the restaurant and share Sam with someone else. He would’ve gladly done so if it meant not welcoming this woman into their loft.

He grumbled his entire way up the stairs, waiting every few steps as Sam lugged her duffle bag.

“I really appreciate this, Sam,” she said, taking the keys from him and opening the door. “You’re really saving my ass here.”

“It’s no problem,” Sam said, setting the bag down near the couch. “You can take my bed for the night and I’ll take the couch.”

“You sure? We can share,” she said, a sweet smile on her face.

 _Over my dead body,_ Bucky mused as Sam shook his head. “No way. My mama raised me right.”

A spark in her eye as she said, “Shame.” A white furry body brushed against her feet and she grinned, dropping down. “Hi, baby. Nice to see you again.”

Alpine, the traitorous cat, simply preened, pushing her face into Jamie’s hand.

Bucky crossed over to Sam, muttering, “I don’t see what the problem was with her staying at SHIELD HQ.”

“That place is so cold and you remember what it was like staying there. It didn’t feel like a home at all. She’ll be more comfortable staying here.”

“And if she’s Hydra?

Sam sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. Bucky hated it when he did that. It always activated that twinge of panic in his gut. The part of him that continuously feared there would come a time when Sam would grow tired of him. When his little neuroses disguised as quirks stopped being tolerable and became limitations. Two years of working together and Bucky still dreaded the day he pushed Sam to the point where he eventually left.

“Sam,” he tried, his voice rough. “I’m just trying to be careful.”

Sam’s hand fell, his eyes widening in concern. He started to reach out, holding off moments before they would’ve actually touched. He’d been doing that more and more lately and Bucky wasn’t sure how to feel. Flattered that Sam sought to comfort him? Upset that he never thought it would be welcome?

“I know. I get that you have very, very real reasons to be wary around new people. But,” he cut himself off, chewing on his lip. His gaze drifted to where Jamie was sitting on the floor playing with Alpine.

“What?”

Sam returned to him. “If you push away everyone new in your life, you’re going to miss out on some great people. It’s a leap of faith.”

“I didn’t push you away,” he countered.

Warming, Sam’s eyes crinkled in the corners as a soft smile spread across his face. The sight took Bucky’s breath away, his stomach twisting into knots. In the nervousness that followed, he almost wanted to take the words back but he’d already said them and Sam was looking at him like he’d actually understood what they meant. As if he knew how much such an admission meant coming from Bucky.

Licking his lips, Bucky searched for something safe to say.

“Hey, guys?” Jamie called out. They looked over to find her at the table, forks in hand. “Kinda starving here.”

Sam asked all of the questions Bucky couldn’t bring himself to ask.

“Bucky?” she repeated, her face scrunched up. “I mean, I guess it suits him. Kind of sounds like a horse or a cartoon bear.”

Bucky stabbed his fork into his pasta. “I think it’s cute,” Sam replied.

“I didn’t choose it,” Bucky muttered, his face warming at Sam’s words. “Steve did.”

“Sounds like him,” Jamie said.

“You have a Steve?” Sam asked.

“I do.” She smiled. “I don’t see him much anymore. Got married, they popped out a few kids and I pretty much only see him on rare holidays.”

“You don’t visit?”

Of course, Sam cared, Bucky mused.

Jamie averted her gaze, poking at her food. “I’m not that great with kids. I mean, I should still visit anyway. One of ‘em’s named after me, for Christ’s sake.” She took a sip of her beer, studying the label as she continued, “I don’t know. I just don’t think I’m great company. For him, anyway.”

“Why?”

Her eyes cut to Sam’s. “You’re full of questions.”

“He gets that way,” Bucky said.

“I’m just curious. I’m sorry. I’ll stop,” he said gently.

“No, no, it’s fine. I’m just… not used to talking about myself, I guess.” She scratched at her brow, leaning forward. A few dark curls fell into her eyes. “I don’t like talking, I don’t like crowds, I don’t like loud noises. Kids are just… they need stuff, you know? Steve’s kids, they’re okay and Sharon likes me just fine but… somewhere along the line, he outgrew me.”

Bucky looked up, studying the drawn look on her face. “You think Steve feels that way?” Sam asked.

“Dunno. I would have to ask him.” She leaned back in her chair, bringing her foot up to rest on her seat, her eyes guarded. “I do just fine. I work with my Sam. I do my job. Some nights, I go out and find someone to bring home to my bed and that’s enough for me.” She drained the rest of her beer.

Sam accepted her answer. Bucky didn’t.

She wasn’t living a completely different life from him. He didn’t go out, but he didn’t think he’d be able to tolerate the bars and clubs around the city. The rest of her life sounded exactly like his. He worked, he went home, he went to sleep and then he did it all over again. Hearing it laid out like that painted a really sad picture.

Was this really the rest of his life?

“Can I ask you a question?” Jamie asked, touching Sam’s hand. He looked up, nodding. “Do all Sam Wilson’s talk to birds?”

Sam stared at her for a moment. Then he burst out laughing. “What?”

“My Sam talks to birds,” she explained affectionately, her eyes bright as she turned towards Sam. “He can hear their thoughts or something. He uses them to keep track of what’s going on in the city. He even has one in his apartment. Redwing.”

Laughing, Sam leaned towards her. “I had a drone named Redwing.”

“Seriously?”

They continued on. Bucky focused on their hands.

Afterwards, Jamie offered to help Sam clean up.

There was barely room for Sam alone in the kitchen, let alone three people. Seeing as Bucky couldn’t explain his objection without feeling like a middle schooler, he headed off to shower. He’d assigned Alpine to watch duty, but he didn’t think she took the job all that seriously. Especially considering she resumed sleeping on top of the bookshelf.

He washed up as quickly as he could, grabbing a pair of shorts before heading into the hallway. The lights were out except in the kitchen. As Bucky neared, he caught sight of Sam’s form, his back to the rest of the loft. Cast in a golden light, his hand resting on the kitchen counter, Jamie’s on top.

Sam was speaking, “… dangerous. I can’t believe Fury would send you alone.”

“Fury’s gone. Retired years ago. Allegedly alone but Coulson mysteriously disappeared shortly after. I like to think those two are sipping Mai Tais in Tahiti together.” Sam laughed, leaning back against the counter. “Hill is in charge now.”

“Really? That’s good. She’s great.”

“She’s tough,” Jamie corrected. “Makes it hard for me to focus because she’s so damn sexy.”

Sam’s head cocked to the side. “Oh, so you’re—”

“Bisexual,” she cut in, a glimpse of a smile before she moved further in front of Sam. “I was being completely genuine when I hit on you earlier.”

Bucky tensed, waiting for Sam’s response. “Were you? Hitting on me?”

“You couldn’t tell?” She leaned in, boxing him in against the counter. Her voice grew husky as Sam’s breath quickened. “I’ll be more forward then. I’ve been thinking about sucking your cock all night.”

Sam swallowed audibly, his hands tightening along the edge of the counter. He wasn’t moving away – why wasn’t he moving away? “Would you like that? If I pulled you out right here? Put my mouth on you,” she whispered.

“Jamie,” Sam rasped. He still wasn’t moving, Bucky noted.

Stomach twisting, Bucky stumbled forward, his footsteps heavy on the wood floor. Sam pulled away, sliding away from her. He scratched at his brow as Bucky rounded the entrance to the kitchen. Jamie leaned back against the counter, her eyes dark as she held Bucky’s gaze challengingly.

“Thought I’d see if you needed any help with clean up,” Bucky said, focused on Jamie.

“Think we got it, thanks,” she replied, her head cocked to the side. “I was just about to take care of something else.”

Bucky’s temple pulsed as he fought the need to pull Sam away. The fire in his blood wasn’t distrust, or at least, not alone. That need to put himself between them was fueled by something uglier. Something he didn’t want to put a word to just yet.

But he trusted his gut.

“It’s late. We have a case to work.”

He looked to Sam who blinked at him dazedly. Then he nodded, “Right, yeah. I’ll just go get ready for bed. My rooms ready for you, Jamie,” he said, stuttering over her name a bit. He nodded to Bucky, “Night, man.”

Once he was safely several feet away, Bucky headed back to his room.

* * *

Sam made breakfast the next morning.

When Bucky emerged from his room, Jamie was sitting on the counter munching on a stolen piece of bacon. They were chatting about something Bucky couldn’t possibly know about since Jamie knew her Sam so well. Her eyes scanned over Sam’s back as he scrambled the eggs, settling on his ass appreciatively. Bucky wondered if it’d be worth it to take Sam’s lecture for shoving her off the counter.

“Buchanan? That’s a pretty rough middle name,” Sam said with a grin, as if he hadn’t been prepositioned last night.

“Yeah, well.” She wiped her hands off on her jeans. “Dad was pretty adamant about that. He really wanted a son. So, of course he got two daughters.”

“You have a sister?” Sam asked with interest, transferring the eggs to a plate.

Jamie’s eyes cut to Bucky’s curiously before returning to Sam. “Yeah. Rebecca. She’s younger than me. I lost track of her when I went off to war.”

Sam gathered the plates and carried them to the table with Jamie’s help. As they sat down, he said, “I meant to ask about that last night. How’d you get involved?”

“Dad was a soldier. After my mom passed, Rebecca went off to boarding school and I followed dad to Camp Lehigh. I was a little trouble maker and he thought it’d keep me out of jail if I went to base with him. Carter taught me how to hold my own in a group full of guys.”

“How’d you meet Steve?”

“I caught him changing out of his Cap suit,” she explained, a spark in her eye. “It wasn’t intentional. I was passing on a message and I saw him slip out of that flashy costume. Next thing I know, I’m going on adventures and taking down Nazis with Captain America.”

“That’s amazing,” Sam praised, admiring her.

Bucky stabbed his eggs silently.

That night, Sam and Bucky squeezed into their “club clothes” and Jamie took them to the Cat Scratch club.

While Sam and Bucky had bitched about their clothes, Bucky supposed Jamie had more of a right than both of them. She’d pulled on a tight black dress and four-inch stilettos. Bucky was at a loss as to how she’d managed to walk in them, let alone easily lap them on her way to the club’s entrance.

She quickly slipped down the alleyway, her curled hair bouncing softly around her shoulders. “Come on. I haven’t got all night.” She pulled a knife from under her dress and jammed it into the door jamb. “Bad enough I had to shave my legs for this, these shoes are killing me.”

Sam quickly followed, glaring when Bucky only walked slower. “Come on, man. Those look pretty sharp.”

“I’d say I’ve never killed a man with these, but I’d be lying.” The door popped open and she grinned wickedly. “Come on.”

The music inside was deafening.

The bass moved through Bucky’s body, making him feel as if his heart was beating double time. It was overwhelming, his senses overloaded in seconds. He touched his chest, quickly losing Sam and Jamie in the crowd. Sam doubled back, snagging his hand. The feel of Sam’s palm, smooth and cool in his own calmed him.

Jamie moved smoothly through the crowd, finding a quieter corner in some sort of lounge. There was mood lighting everywhere and bodies writhing on nearly every flat surface. Bucky briefly wondered if he was witnessing conceptions. Grimacing, he returned to the others as Jamie pulled out her phone.

“My sources tell me Felicia will be here in a few minutes.”

“Sources?” Sam asked.

“Twitter,” she replied with a grin. “So, how do you want to kill time?” Her brows rose, a twinkle in her eye as she looked at Sam.

Sam’s eyes cut between Bucky and Jamie for a moment before he stood. “One drink couldn’t hurt. I’ll be right back.”

He’d taken a few steps when Jamie called out, “I didn’t tell you what I wanted!”

“Old fashioned, got it!” he shouted and she smiled fondly.

She headed over to a couch that didn’t appear to have fluids on it. Bucky seriously considered stubbornly sticking to his corner but he eventually followed. A few moments passed in blissful silence before Jamie decided to speak to him again.

“You don’t like me,” she mused.

A beat. “I told you as much.”

She shook her head, resting her head on her hand as she studied him quietly. “It’s not for the reason you think.”

“You’re telling me what I think now.”

“We’re sort of the same person, babe.”

“Don’t call me ‘babe’.”

She shrugged. “Okay. _Bucky_. You don’t like being around me because I’m brave enough to say the things you won’t. And I go after what I want.” Bucky stared at her. “I’m talking about Sam.”

“If you’re talking about your little act last night,” he began, his temper flaring.

“It wasn’t an act. I meant every word of it.” She held his gaze solidly. “You really should ask yourself why it bothers you so much.”

“You’re trying to take advantage of him.”

“How? I was very honest and straightforward. I’m only here for one night.” Her brow furrowed. “You won’t ask.”

“Just because you’re interested in Sam, doesn’t mean—”

“Don’t act like you’re not. I’m not stupid,” she cut in. “I had no problem asking because I just wanted a fun night. You won’t ask because that’s not what you want. You want more from him. Don’t you?”

Her eyes were bright and clear, her voice growing in strength. “You don’t just like him; you love him. He makes you feel special and seen and he actually likes you, even when you don’t like yourself.”

Bucky’s breath quickened, his chest tightening. Her voice became biting, “He’s brave and he’s generous and kind and he’s too fucking smart to put up with whatever half assed attempts at sincerity you can give. He’s too fucking smart to make do with the tiny pieces you give of yourself. It won’t be enough for him and you know that.”

He stared at her, his eyes warm. “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” he choked out.

“I do. Why do you think I’ll never ask my Sam? The difference between you and I, is that I know my limits. I never ask for more than what I can give in return.” Her eyes gleamed, pained and piercing as they cut through him. “Maybe my Sam and I could’ve been something, but I didn’t think I could give that much of myself to him. And if I couldn’t give it to Sam, I couldn’t give it to anybody.”

A moment passed in which the band around Bucky’s chest grew so unbearably tight, he felt like he was choking. He was still staring at her, a knot lodged in his throat when Sam returned.

He set the drinks down on the table, his eyes settled on a point in the distance. “Felicia just walked in. You ready?”

Bucky blinked, shaking himself as he turned to Sam. Jamie nodded, pulling a gun from a holster strapped to her thigh.

“Ready,” she said.

Sam looked to Bucky, eyes widening. “Buck? You okay”

“I’m fine, Sam. Let’s get this over with.”

* * *

Jamie spent one more night at their loft. The door to Sam’s room closed and didn’t open until morning. Bucky would’ve thought that fact comforting.

It wasn’t.

He spent the night tossing and turning, lost in thought. Her words turning over in his head over and over.

They headed back to SHIELD HQ with Jamie where she would open the portal to return to her earth. She let Hill handle Felicia for a moment as she jogged back over to Sam and Bucky.

Pushing a few errant locks of hair behind her ears, she appeared younger up here. Bucky stared at her, the animosity he’d felt the past two days fading into something new.

Sam welcomed her hug with a smile. “You sure you don’t want to stay?”

“I’m sure,” she said, returning his smile. “There’s only one Sam in my life and I don’t think he’d appreciate sharing me.”

“Ah, well, if you’re ever in town,” he said, earning a laugh.

“Besides, I’m sure this guy’s ready to get rid of me.” She looked to Bucky in amusement. There was a shadow in her gaze that he hadn’t noticed before last night.

Jamie smiled a lot, more than Bucky ever had in his life. At one point, he’d wondered what had gone differently in her life to leave her a happier person. But she wasn’t happy. It was a mask. The same way Bucky kept a neutral expression, kept to himself in silence and shadow, she offered smiles to distract from everything else.

So that nobody else knew she wasn’t okay with the fact that Steve had grown and left her behind. So that nobody knew she wasn’t okay with the fact that she’d never learned how to get comfortable and share parts of herself with other people. So that nobody knew she wasn’t okay with the fact that she’d spend the rest of her life working side by side with a man that she loved and would never truly know her.

She wasn’t happy at all.

Bucky crossed his arms, meeting her gaze. “If you ever end up here again, I’ll make do,” he forced out. Her eyes widened in surprise, her smile slipping a bit. Then her face settled into something sweeter and more genuine.

“Look after him, will you?” she asked, her eyes softening.

Bucky nodded once, stepping back. She turned around, tapping a few keys on her phone. The portal opened, bright pink and ovular. She spared them one last smile before gripping Hardy’s arm and pulling her through.

The portal closed, disappearing as though it’d never existed in the first place.

Sam draped his arm over Bucky’s shoulder. “You hungry?”

After dinner that night, Bucky helped Sam with the dishes.

As Sam handed him plates to dry, Bucky noted that part of the reason he’d resented Jamie taking his part that night was because he liked these little moments. When it was quiet in their loft, just the sounds of dishes knocking against each other on the drying rack and Sam’s quiet humming. It was moments like these that their loft really felt like home.

Taking in Sam’s profile, Bucky noted the curve of his lashes, the soft bow of his lips as he mumbled the words to a song. The easy way he held himself; the way he let his guard down the moment that door closed and it was just the two of them and one really spoiled cat.

“Sam,” Bucky said, surprising both of them.

When there was no follow up, Sam looked to him in question. “What’s up?”

“I,” he swallowed, running a nervous hand through his hair. “I’m bisexual.”

Sam’s face lit up and he smiled. “That’s cool. I’m glad you felt comfortable enough to tell me.”

“Right,” he turned towards Sam, a hand spreading out along the counter. “I really didn’t like Jamie being here.”

Sam’s brow furrowed. “But, I thought you came around in the end there?”

“I feel sorry for her. I look at her life and I see mine, but she’ll never try to fix hers.” He licked his lips, forcing himself to hold Sam’s gaze. “I think I can fix mine.”

“I’m a little lost here,” Sam said with a wan smile.

“I did have a sister. She died when I was in the cold.”

Sam’s eyes widened, a pained look in his eye. “I’m so sorry.” He touched Bucky’s hand, his fingers warm.

Something worrisome swelled in Bucky’s chest, his breath quickening. “I don’t want us to be strangers. I know I’m not the easiest person to get to know.”

“Bit of an understatement.”

Bucky smiled even as he worried his heart was going to beat out of his chest. His gaze fell to their hands, the way Sam’s easily covered his. “Sometimes I feel like, if I told you about myself, you wouldn’t like me. And I really want you to like me, Sam.”

“I like you just fine,” Sam said, moving in closer, his fingers curling over Bucky’s.

Bucky looked to him, his eyes warming. “I like being alone most of the time… but I don’t mind having someone with me, if it’s you,” he rasped. “I’ll always choose being with you over being alone.”

Sam’s eyes were guarded, his hand still on top of Bucky’s. Bucky waited, his breath catching in his throat, nearly sick with nerves. Sam’s eyes widened as he held Bucky’s gaze, the realization setting in. Bucky wasn’t great with words, he was even worse with people. In his own fucked up way, he was trying to tell Sam that he was it – Sam was the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

And this was the moment where Sam left.

When he closed his eyes, he saw the pain in Jamie’s eyes, the way her face lit up when she spoke of her Sam, her words that night. _If I couldn’t give it to Sam, I couldn’t give it to anybody._

“Sam,” he whispered, his heart in his mouth. He squeezed his eyes shut. “If you don’t want this,” he began, the words sticking in his throat.

Sam laced their fingers together.

Bucky’s eyes shot open, hope blooming in his chest. Leaning in, Sam pressed their lips together, holding tight to his hand. Bucky’s free hand rose shakily to cup the back of his head, eyes falling closed as he deepened their kiss, falling in deeper. Soft and sweet giving way to slick slides of their lips, Sam welcoming his tongue. Their kiss quickly growing needy, rooted in the months of desperation reaching a boiling point.

Bucky walked Sam backwards, pressing him against the counter. Sam rocked his hips into Bucky’s, drawing a groan. It felt like instinct to slide his hand down beneath Sam’s shirt. Each tense of Sam’s stomach beneath his palm stoked the fire in Bucky’s belly, his cock pulsing as Sam sucked on his tongue.

Growling, he forced himself back, even as his hand tightened in Sam’s shirt, keeping him close. He pressed their heads together, panting. “I don’t just want this.” He pulled back, waiting as Sam opened his eyes dazedly. “I want all of it, Sam. Not just one night.”

Sam’s eyes were guarded, his lips swollen and wet. In less than a second, “I want that, too.”

Bucky held his gaze, doubt slowly giving way to the promise in Sam’s eyes.


End file.
